unorganized thoughts this won't be clean, i'll spell right but won't concern with order of ideas or legibility so much. it will get lengthy, that's fine. i asked jeffrey, what he hopes will happen to me. he's not going to answer the way i'd like, but i will prompt him to get closer to it. i want him to tell me (or say something from which i can assume) that once my court dealings are done with i will be free to travel and able to go to him. this isn't relevant here, but if i can go to him, i know i will stay. it's not a question anymore. whether i stay with him for life is wholly dependent on whether i can go there in the future, even just once. there is no other factor. if i receive this answer from jeffrey, it will indicate to me as well that what i want with adam will occur. it may be a prolonged period in between now and then, but it will and i will be in control. i should elaborate, my desires will be in control. not even what i say, or what i do, but what is in my mind incuding more repressed wishes. this depends on jeffrey's response, but internally i know what he is thinking and perhaps will not be able to say. unless he says something entirely to the contrary (unless some fake bs such as that i go live in finland... yeah i'll do the lovely good thing that'd make me miserable) i know what he is thinking and this is entirely affirmative to me. really, it is. i know him too well and it's actually a bit silly to even ask. it's likely he'll scrutinize the question itself, which sure is sort of odd or random. i know that i can control what happens, that's why nothing should actually even scare me or make me feel stressed out. i want it and it is all i need. it is possibly more a question of when that if, because that relies a bit on factors i can't control. it's 18.00 and he hasn't gotten home. this i'm not sure at all is because of me. if he's somewhere drinking, i'm sure it could be related but that means litte. if it's work related, well, of course not. i want to figure out what can be accomplished from one conversation or exchange with him. what all can i express? that i am unsure how to feel (whether i am "okay"), that maybe i am disappointed despite knowing the right thing. how can i express to him that it really depends on him, but in a way that should make it somewhat explicit that I WOULD DO IT AGAIN AND MORE? speak slowly. if you want to just drop it.. never again... then i can do that, i can get over it, won't be an issue. if you don't want to drop it then........ !!! i guess you aren't as crazy as me, it comes off like you regret it a lot further i've got what i wanted and now i want more or i want it to crash i should ask him if he's seen crash, and i should read crash things i want to do with him drink together again hit his vape fuck with lights on other positions (the ones i like ofc) make out while everyone is home i want him to ask me if i've gotten my period / to take a pregnancy test (i want him to be scared i'm pregnant and see his reaction) how i can make him need it intermittent reinforcment, literally key the attention needs to be a reward praise and admiration in a way that feels meaningful. "you handled it really well.. i'm proud of you" intoxicatingly sincere coming from someone with bpd respect his nature, align yourself with him moments of intense connection, bursts of affection / excitement. contrast with his usual routine, will feel thrilling will start to crave it like a drug MUST LIMIT TO IN-PERSON OR OCCASIONAL TEXTS ONLY mirroring remember his interests too, not just the sex. and what he's said he likes, ex. tank top with no bra (i just bought one) reciprocate his pace with texts. he respons after an hour or two, respond after two or three. if he responds with one word, wait a day to text back, at least. and keep responses short until he says something more substantial too note: a couple times he has expressed that he thought i may have regretted things, want to drop it, change my mind, etc. he clearly has a concern that i'm the one who may not want to continue. has also said he doesn't think i can handle this. overall, he has no clear sense of where i'm at. therefore, pauses in my responses really do have a potential to intensify his feelings, with him possibly beginning to think i'm changing my mind if i go silent long enough. especially after my more erratic texting before. so, do not ever think the opposite will occur and that he'll be the one to slip away occasionally, be vulnerable. he's said he feels like he should protect you or that he needed to (moments of guilt). make sure it is sparing. only do this in person, never through text ok new developments. i have texted him mainly on two occasions, telling him he's no fun, i'm getting bored. he says to be patient, that he "can't be right now". it's very very clear that he just wants me to wait, and i have been trying to suggest that i can't.